It is difficult enough for adults to deal with death. There are a million questions that go through our minds and many sleepless nights of “what ifs”. There are never any easy answers to our questions and the possibilities of the “what ifs” never offer any solutions. But what about when a child is faced with the death of a beloved family member? If it is difficult for us to accept, how can we help our child when he or she doesn’t even understand what death is?

I’m no professional or expert, I’m only a mother and on a good day I consider myself only adequate. I can only offer you what I have learned from my own experience and that of my daughter. There wasn’t much information out there that really gave me any information on how to help my daughter when my father who was the center of her universe died in November 2009, there wasn’t much more available when her father passed away in January. In the span of fourteen months and three days, she lost the two people that she loved most in the world. While the loss of my father and husband rocked me to my very core, it shattered every sense of security that she had established in her six short years of life.

There were no easy answers or blueprint for how to help her through it, so I learned as I went along and I’m still learning. If you are in a similar situation, keep that in mind as you read these suggestions.

Prepare Them if You Can: In the case of my father, we learned that he had pancreatic cancer almost a year before he passed. Since we knew the survivial rate for pancreatic cancer was so low, we tried to prepare my daughter without telling her too much. We were afraid that if we told her that he was going to die, that she would pull away from him and then regret it later in life. We used “The Lion King”, watching it together as a family and pointing out that even though Simba’s father died, he became part of the stars. Then when my father did pass away, we told her that he went to live in the stars like on the movie.

Limit Their Exposure to the Funeral: For both my father and my husband, we did not have my daughter at the funeral home for the entire day. We explained that Papaw, and then later Daddy, would be there in a pretty box, but that it was just his body. We then went back again to the idea from the movie that he was now in the stars.

Don’t Expect Too Much: Don’t be surprised if your child doesn’t act sad, but don’t be shocked if he or she cries non stop at the funeral. My daughter wasn’t really outwardly sad at either funeral, but she refused to look at either of them until we were leaving the funeral home for the night. Let your child lead the way and if other family members or friends comment, tell them to mind their own business.

Expect The Child to be Clingy: My daughter was convinced that if she let me out of her site that I was going to go away and she would never see me again. It’s a bit much to handle when you’re still in mourning yourself, but it does pass just be patient.

Establish Normalcy: As crazy as this sounds, try to get back to the child’s routine. My daughter found comfort in going to school and dance class, there was something about knowing what to expect on what day that really calmed her. I didn’t force her, but sent her as soon as I thought she was ready, telling her that if she changed her mind that I would come get her.

Don’t Force The Child to Talk About It: Everything that I read suggested encouraging the child to talk about their loss, so I tried it. Not good! My daughter started having nightmares and panic attacks. I changed tactics and just waited for her to start talking. Sometimes it was just recalling a happy memory, other times it was needing a hug because she missed Papaw or Daddy. I let her decide when she wanted to talk and when she didn’t.

Know the History: My daughter quite often starts conversations with “When Papaw was a little boy, did he….” or “Did Daddy ever….”. I don’t know what this is about, but she expects me to know every story and detail about their lives. In case this happens, be prepared to be the keeper of stories. You’re expected to know every detail.

Take Time for Yourself: This sounds crazy and selfish, but you need it. When my father died, I was so busy helping my daughter and mother through it, that I forgot all about myself. It wasn’t until six months later that it hit me and it hit me hard. I didn’t make the same mistake when my husband passed away. I knew I couldn’t help her until I helped myself. So cry when you need to, be mad when you need to, that way you can be a parent when you need to be.

As I stated at the start of this article, there are no easy answers and no blueprints. For me, still mourning myself, on a good day you can take it one day at a time. On a bad day, it’s okay to take it one second at a time. There are no right or wrong answers, the only solution is to do what feels right for your family.